If I Could...

I came across a photo of myself from 13 years ago holding the newly born Matthew and thought of all the things that have changed since then. I thought at the time that my kids were going to be very smart, athletic and have the world at their feet ready for them to explore. Instead, I have children who struggle in school, only play a few plays during a game, and money is tightly watched.  Are they suffering or was I a total failure as a parent to provide all that I thought I would have been able to give?

In a round about way, maybe I am. I don't read to them as much as I should. I have allowed them to not be responsible with chores or their belongings as I pick up for them. I make excuses for their misbehavior and hope it gets swept under the rug. I don't care about grades or the parent/teacher conferences when I take them as a reflection on me.

On the other hand, I have four boys who ask me to cuddle with  them on the couch. I have a child who will hold out his hand to hold mine while I drive. My kids think I am the best baker on the planet when I make a special treat or cake.  And my son thought that I was awesome because I made him hot chocolate not from a mix.

I may not be the best mom, but I will be their best cheerleader and one of the loudest on the bleachers when their names is called out.  And even on the days when I consider it a success just to have them sent to school with clean faces and and wrinkle free clothes, I'll take it. Because I know in the thirteen years I've been a mom I know I have done some of the best work I could do.

-s

Can someone explain this to me?

It seems like there is always money made at someone's expense or tragedy.  This morning, I  put on the news like I do every morning to listen to the latest forecast and headline news.  In light of last weeks unbelievable shooting of innocent lives and teachers I would have hoped that America would have come to its senses with regard to semiautomatic weapons and the ability to buy them.

When the Constitution was written, and the second amendment was added, it did not have the types of weaponry that we have today at our disposal. The news said there has been record high selling of high powered rifles sold since Friday, some the same model as what was used to kill.  I am not going to say that all guns should be taken off the market.  If you are a responsible adult who uses those guns for true protection or hunting then you have that right to securely keep a weapon. However, I have never, nor will I, believe that the common citizen should have a semiautomatic weapon in their home.

In a matter of seconds a shooter has the ability to wipe out a multitude of lives before a moment of clarity can happen.  These guns should be only used by law enforcement and our military, who have been trained to use such a weapon that has a high potential to kill many people in a fraction of a second.  And to hear people running out to buy these guns before a ban on semiautomatic weapons gets reinstated I feel it is like a slap on the memory of those children and teachers.  That is my two cents and I don't ask people to agree with me but these are my feelings.

Pull them off the market and pull them out of the homes that have them. There really is no need to believe that anyone in society needs these weapons in their homes.  And if you think we are that close to a societal breakdown then maybe you should seek help from a mental health professional about the realities of life before we have another person lost because of a mental breakdown.

Dear Santa,

I have been trying really hard to be good this year.  If I make the nice list, this is my Christmas wishes....

1.How cute is this!!! And its pink.

2.I think I could pull off this sweater. What do you think?

3.Someday I would like to take great pictures of the boys and maybe finally get a family photo that we've never done.
4.My kids want one so it must be good, plus I actually listen to music on my ipod.
5. In my dreams I would totally rock this dress.
6.Winter running here I come!!!
7. Not sure if I would run any faster but I like the color which is half the battle.

8.  I could go back to my childhood roots and pretend I'm wonderwoman like when I was three in  my underoos.
9. They say I can cook spaghetti and meatballs in one pot in under a half hour.  SCORE!!!

10.  An appointment with Dr. Katzen to help fix the body issues that I still have.  I'll take a 360 lift and implants.  He should be at the top of the list because he is the one I need most of all.

So Santa,  not that I am expecting any of this to appear under the tree but just in case you were wondering what I like, this is it.

Love,
Sheri

This is how I do healthy....

For me I have to start the day on a good foot so I can workout and not feel like I screwed up the day diet wise.  This morning and most others it begins with 1/2 cup cottage cheese, 1-2 tablespoons of Kashi GO LEAN, and a handful of blueberries.  I add a little splenda on top to sweeten it. It is important to eat with a smaller container and utensil (baby spoon) to feel like visually I have a good portion and slow down and enjoy the food I have before me.   I have to be careful to actually eat it and not walk away because I lose interest in eating after a few bites.  Courtesy of the RNY.  But I know I need to eat for energy to get the most out my new lifestyle. By the way this lifestyle can be shared by anyone not just WLS patients.



The plans for the morning are off since I have to take Alex for his allergy shots, but right after I am heading to the gym.  It is funny how two years ago I had to drag my ass to the Y and I really hated the elliptical machine.  Still I wouldn't say that running on the treadmill is a highlight for me, but I need it now.  The feeling of accomplishment when I am done(even if I have to talk to myself the entire time of just get it done and stop bitching) is amazing. 

The other fact of eating food that I never would have in the past is another great victory.  Cottage cheese, greek yogurt, twig type of cereal, and fruits and veggies are cravings now.  So yes,  I have come along way since surgery and I don't regret it a minute.

Body Pump...Oh how I missed you!

Last night I joined my aunt and two cousins at the local YMCA for a body pump class.  Last year, I spent many a night at body pump and grew some great muscle tone.  And then for some reason I shifted my workouts to more cardio based activity.  If you follow my blog or life then you know I am training for a 10 mile race in July.  And dare I say it because I might actually do it, but a half marathon in the fall. 

Back to Body Pump, which has  workout that is addictable  felt so good.  The music and rhythm with pumping iron drew me back in.  I can't say that I love exercising in general but I know that I am a much better person when I have gotten a workout in.  I feel selfish putting my needs in front of family time but wow did I feel good last night and even better this morning.  

I know I will be checking the schedule to see when the next class is and plan on being there.  Maybe, I will be a much more toned runner for my race than I am now?  Who knows.....

The sight in the mirror gets to me and I keep praying that money falls in my lap so I can get the tummy tuck which would complete the journey I started Nov 9, 2010. Many people don't understand that until the body looks like what the spirit I feels like than you don't feel like your  done yet. In the meantime I am going to keep working it though.  

~S 

Craptastic Weather

Ladies and Gentleman the weather is totally tanking my attitude and optimism.  I am in need of sunshine and hope that my race day Saturday is going to be sunny but on the cooler side.  Rainy days make me want to curl under a blanket and take a nap!  Good thing I got a solid workout in this morning and plans on tomorrows to get me back to fighting weight.  In other words scale don't let me down.  

But the way I have found that the Glee albums are great for workouts.  The tempo and rhythm are fast enough to keep me at a good pace on the Cybex machine and treadmill.  The added music have made me want to keep going even when my body is saying that is good enough for today.

So for the next few hours I am praying Jake and Evan don't trash the house while Howie is sleeping thus leaving me not having to yell.  Yup, people I am a yeller.  I hate this quality about myself, but I can't break this bad habit.  Maybe I should work on the blanket for Jeff and Tracey's new baby that will be coming in Oct.  Knitting brings the repetition of peace for me.  Well enough with the multitude of blog rambling.  Enjoy the craptastic New England weather.

~S

New Days Ahead

The tired housewife is now retired.  I feel that I need to look ahead to better days and stop thinking of myself as a tired housewife and more like a full of life woman.   So to new beginnings and new blog postings.  Hope you still want to stick around for my new changes.

~S

Guest Blog from Heather: A Special Village

A Special Village

People often use the saying "It takes a village" when speaking to new parents. I heard that saying quite a bit when my daughter was born on August 5, 2005. My pregnancy had gone very smoothly and without any complications. As soon as Lily was born, we were surrounded by all of our loving family and friends; these people made up "our village". They all came to meet our daughter and send their well wishes. Everything was going so perfectly, that we had no idea it was the calm before the storm.

I had not even been back to work for a month before things started to take a turn for the worse. I began feeling very tired and fatigued, didn't have any energy to take care of my young child, and was having trouble breathing at times. I knew that all of my symptoms could be due to the fact that I was a new mother dealing with the demands of a very small infant. However, I still felt like something was wrong, so I went to visit my doctor.

After a vast series of tests, I was diagnosed with malignant pleural mesothelioma, or cancer of the lung's lining, on November 21, 2005. Mesothelioma is primarily caused by exposure to asbestos, which I found out had happened to me as a young child.

My first reaction, after hearing the diagnosis, was that my child was only 3 1/2 months old and I didn't want her to have to go through life without her mother. My doctor told me that if I chose to do nothing, I would only have 15 months to live. I knew right then that I would have to fight to survive, and nothing would keep me from beating this disease for my family.

Mesothelioma prognosis is not usually very optimistic. My husband and I, therefore, chose to take drastic measures, to battle this deadly disease. On February 2nd, my husband and I flew to Boston, where I underwent surgery to remove my left lung. I remained in the hospital for 18 days before returning home to recover for an additional two months prior to starting my chemotherapy, followed by radiation.

We would never have been able to fight this battle without the love, support and prayers of our village. There were people who helped us through our battle that we never expected to be there. Likewise, there were people we thought would be standing by our sides that decided to abandon us instead. Cancer had a way of showing us who truly mattered in our lives and who did not.

While we were in Boston, my parents in their home raised Lily. My parents had their own village to support them and help them care for her. Girls that I used to baby-sit for when I was younger were now grown up, married, with kids of their own, and offering to baby-sit my little girl. Members of my parents' church offered them constant love and support.

We never would have been able to survive this battle without the love and support of the people around us. They were what kept us going each and every day. My fight with cancer was not something that I would wish on anybody. However, I don't regret the people that I've met during my battle or the hardships I had to endure, because it has helped mold me into the person I am today. I have learned to appreciate everything that life has to other and to take nothing for granted. I am thankful for the chance to do that.

With a little help from God all things are possible

Spring has sprung and finally after spending most of the winter on my ass watching old episodes of Grey's Anatomy, I have moved into a better place emotionally.  I have recommitted to spending time at the gym and renewing a relationship with a healthier me.  This is a constant struggle when it seems like many people are needing something whether I can give it or not.  To learn to step away and put myself as a priority is not an easy thing when you grow up with always being a people pleaser.

Last year I quickly lost a significant amount of weight, the emotional blanket the kept me from talking to others  and my trusty food companion  that was my friend.  As time has gone on, I battle not falling into the trap of letting the food demons come back and steal away my success.  And let me tell you it is not easy at all.

I have taken up running and plan on participating in a 5k race in May.  Never could I have imagined running 3.1 miles without stopping prior to WLS.  But here I am, doing it and moving forward into a new reality.  I have to make short term goals to keep me going but that is OK. 

Constantly, while I am running in the cemetery I have an inner conversation of (please get me to this part of the road and then I can stop, then I get there and I say ok just get to the next part of the gate a few hundred yards ahead.)  Luckily this has kept me on the path to running with a purpose and not quitting before I get to the finish. And just because I am breathing heavy doesn't mean I have to hold back, it means I am alive and living my dream of being the girl that I wanted to be, a mom that can run with her kids and play until they drop. 

Life is a gift and I plan on living it to the best that I can.  Have a great day

~Sheri

A Letter to My Boys,

How blessed am I!  No it is not a question, but it is a statement of my total being. Without you all I would not be the woman I have become.  From the early days at Bridgewater State College and meeting you Howard, you have taught me to hold my head high and speak my mind.  It has gotten me into trouble sometimes, but I know I always have you to stand by my side.

Matthew has made given me the most important job in the world which is mother.  Seeing your little face and sweet smile gives me a reason to get out of bed in the morning.  I can't believe that years have flown by that I just wish I could put the brakes on.  I heard someone say that your first child is like your right arm and your a right handed person. That is such a good analogy, you can live with your other limbs but forever would be lost without the right.   

Alex, my red-headed handsome boy, you have taught me the importance of juggling motherhood and still managing to get done what needs to be done.  The love a mom feels for her children is beyond measure and that is how I feel about you.  I remember waking up in the middle of the night and holding you even when you didn't even need anything.  Alex, know that I always will be on your side even when ever others think you are wrong.  It takes you a little bit longer to get to where others have been but in the end you always get there and I know you can do it.

Jacob, my special, special, special boy.  That is right you are that special that it needs to be said three times.  Without you, I would not be the advocating mother that you have helped me develop into.  We have a connection that I'm not sure most moms get. I see the potential of a man inside of a small, six year old boy.  The world is just going to have to wait until you grow up a little and then look out.  The genius is sometimes hidden by too much enthusiasm but it is there and I can see it.  I love you more than I ever thought possible, and look forward to what you bring to society.

My littlest guy in a group of boys, Evan.  Despite what anyone says you were always meant to be a part of our lives.  I believe that when Daddy and I had our first date and we talked about having four children (boys even) that your little soul was waiting for us to be created.  That's right, you boys were part of the equation right from the beginning of the Warsofsky relationship.  Seeing your three year old self running around and the attitude you have puts a laugh in my heart and a smile on my lips.  I can't believe how quickly you are learning things( maybe not potty training) but other skills.  I know that when the door falls off the hinges that the odds are the screws are in your pocket and the screwdriver hidden under the cushions.  I love you, my little impish boy and wish you could stay tiny forever.  

I love you and Happy Valentines Day

~Mom

                                       

Until We See Each Other Again

If we are lucky we have many people in our lives that we can say we not only love them as a family member but also as a friend.  I have had the honor of having just such a person like that in my life until recently when she passed away.  Aunt Esther was not only like a surrogate grandmother to my husband and children but she fulfilled that role in mine.   

She was a woman of beauty on the outside but a lady of beauty and grace inside as well. Whenever we had a family occasion, I loved sitting next to her to hear her stories of the days of  growing up in Massachusetts.  She shared a wisdom of strength and courage that I can only hope that someday I possess as well as her.  

Aunt Esther was someone that had a talent with handmade stitchery  that inspires me to try different crafts and go back to the ones that we had in common like embroidery and cross-stitch.  The portrait of the lady in flowered hat hangs in my dining room that brings a smile to my face whenever I look at it.  Knowing that her hands created such a treasure brings a comfort to my aching spirit that  her handiwork  will be seen for many years to come.  However, the best gift I have ever received from her was the Sabbath tablecloth that she made for us as a young couple. The time she took to hand stitch such a masterful piece for us means very much to Howie and myself.

I could spend hours writing all the great things about her, but I am going to be a little selfish and keep them to myself.  You see, it is important that we all have cherished memories of our loved ones and some that are truly private between the two of you.  But I will say this...  

Aunt Esther I promise that I will tell my children about the wonderful lady that you were and keep your memory alive for not only myself but for them.  I love you and will miss you very much. 

Your Niece,

Sheri

Need to Get Back to Do the Right Stuff

After spending a few months hibernating and keeping my head in the sand I have gained some weight.  I want to be back around 121 or a little less.  So today I am starting a new.  The gym is calling my name and I going to get back on track with my goals.  Wish me luck. 

More to come later....

Letter 4: Heather

Dear Heather,

          When I met you a few years ago at book club I saw a woman with a huge personality that was funny and radiant.  As I got to know you and your likes and dislikes that more I wanted to be your friend.  I think you have a talent for drawing people into a conversation and make their thoughts feel as important as yours.

          When I came back to book club last May and you we’re getting ready for your life changing surgery I was so envious of what you were doing. The side talk that you had with me at Wetherlaine’s that night changed me forever.  Instead of standing at the sidelines of my life, you inspired me to take control of my destiny and change it. Truly, for the first time I saw the struggle of being overweight mirrored in someone else’s eyes.  I felt like you understood the frustration of wondering if others noticed your weight as much we do.  But, we create a self protection skill of only looking at our face in the mirror and ignore all the rest below the neck.  The honesty that you shared with me and encouraged me to talk about began the steps of change.  Heather, I can’t say thank you enough for what you have done for me.  Because of you, it pushed me toward my own journey in wls.

          In almost a year since my RNY, I have seen how far you have come and the hard work that must be dedicated toward maintaining and continuing the loss.  I looked at you at the Farmers Market and though I still see my friend in your caring eyes and warm smile, you have made a phenomenal change. 

          I see a woman who cares about her own health, family and those of others.  I see a woman who stands in front of a crowd and makes others want to follow in support of community and small business.  You have found your calling in life and have encouraged many others to find theirs. 

          Heather, thank you for helping me to see worth within myself, and helping me to make my personal changes, and just being there when I needed a friend to talk to.  You forever will hold a piece of my heart for what you have done. 

                                                                             Love your friend,

                                                                                    Sheri

Letter 3:D

Dear D,

          Sometimes people come into our lives by choice or not by choice.  Sometimes we’re a forced into a relationship that we learn to value or discredit.  Even learn to live with or push aside and forget about.  Unfortunately, our relationship is not what I would like for either of us.  However, that is not to say that I haven’t gain a multitude of life lessons from you and for that I can say thank you. 

          You have shown me that the love of a son and his mother is a bond that is immeasurable.  The way they follow you around and look with deep admiration is something that I truly hope will also happen in my relationship with my own children as adults.  The ability to be a leader as the only woman in a home of men is something I admire.

          The home you have created can only be described as beyond beautiful.  But, despite all the lovely home furnishings it is the people inside that make it what it is.  You and your FAMILY have created the homey feeling and comfortable place it is to put your feet up and snuggle in a blanket. 

          Last, and probably the best lesson I have learned from you is how much food you need to make for a family of 6.  And the importance of a huge refrigerator!  As funny as that sounds or even trivial, it is not.  As my own children have started to grow I look back at memories and use the meals we had with you as a guide to how much to cook.  Life is funny that way, which we can take from others in ways that you may not even notice.  Again I say thank you for the ways you have helped me even when it may not have been intentionally done. 

          I wish life could be different and choices made differently, but what has happened and we all have moved on with our lives.  And though I know you probably will never read this, in my heart of hearts I do wish you wanted to be a part of my life and those of my family.  My wishes and thoughts of you are never far away and I wish you all the best in life. 

                                                                                                ~Sheri

Letter 2:Sheri

Dear Sheri,

        Yes, this letter is to me.  Sometimes the best conversation you have is with yourself.  First of all, you must forgive yourself and the obstacles that you sometimes encounter.  You are human and we all make mistakes, it is ok, except it and move on.  Channel your self in peace and calming breath and take the time to move into a better place. 

        You are a remarkable woman who has brought four very bright and charming little boys into the world.  The legacy that they will give to others all started with you.  You are a great mother and wife and though sometimes you may feel others don’t notice, they really do.  Embrace the validation when it comes and try to remember it when the dark days of loneliness fall.

        Sheri, you have come so far in your weight loss journey.  Succeed and don’t let anyone make you fall into old patterns.  That includes you falling prey to temptation and baked goods that you have made for others.  You need to pull back and control yourself or you’ll be right back to how you were a year ago.  You have to want to walk away when you need to walk away. 

        Lastly, love yourself for the person you are.  You give to others more than you sometimes should.  If they don’t see the person that you truly are than that is their loss.  You find good in most people and try to get others to like you even if it is at your expense.  Don’t go back for hurt; some people just understand that there are such things as doing a kind deed with no hidden agenda. 

Continue to be the person that you hope your children will be proud of and want to be themselves.  Teach the gifts of being genoerious, kind and loving and then you have done your job as a mother.  But most of all show them that it is ok to make mistakes and life isn’t about a score on a page, or a task well done, but sometimes it is our failures that gives us the best life lesson, forgiveness and perseverance. 

That said, enjoy life, the good and the hard, and know that all will be ok with a little faith and trust.

                                                       

                                                        ~Sheri

Letter 1: Dear Grandma

Dear Grandma,

          When I was deciding who to write my first letter to I wasn’t sure who to begin with.  It only seems fitting that I chose the person who showed me the value of a written letter and who’s letters back to me were always met with fond memories. That being said, you had to be the person I began the challenge with.

          Thank you and I miss you more that I possible ever could convey.   As it is, I am already sitting here crying.  When ever I felt sad or just needed to tell someone something, I could always write to you and I knew that I would get a letter back on white tablet paper with blue ink words of understanding and love.  You never made me feel foolish or dismissed my early teenage thoughts about boyfriends, school or even what was going on in my life at the time.  I don’t think anyone could understand how much those letters meant to me then or now.

          Grandma, I know that I won’t be getting a letter back this time though, but I can’t help but feel that you would if you could.  That somewhere around me you are close by and would be there to support me though these tough times.  I hope you can hear my thoughts and know how much I still need you.  Even if it is only an invisible hug of comfort and strength from up above.

          Please help me to get though what I feel is almost impossible and make my chaos of a life into something calmer.  Give me guidance on how to raise my group of boys and keep my marriage together amongst the struggle.  Some days, I just don’t know if I can do it anymore and just want to crawl back in bed and put the covers over my head.  And today is one of those days.

          There are many things that I know you can hear me saying, but for various reasons can’t be written.  Because sometimes when you say them you can’t take them back.  Give me patience when I am frustrated, help me to feel that this time will pass, that life will go on and things won’t be so hard.  Because today I can’t say that I am fine.  Help me to be the strong woman and stand by my choices and be successful with them. 

          There is so much more I could say but I just don’t know how to say them.  But in the mean time, know that I feel a little bit better knowing that you were and are on my side even if I  can’t actual hear the words spoke aloud but I hear you in my ear whispering that you care and are there.

                                                                   Love Always Your Granddaughter,

                                                                                      Sheri

PS.  Thank you for the organ, that even if it is not in my possession anymore it will forever remain in my heart that you gave it to me.  That and the white poncho with blue pom-poms

                                                         

In an effort to blog more and get some of these thoughts out I am taking on a challenge of 365 letters to different people.  A book was written recently called 365 Thank Yous and ultimately it changed the authors life for the positive.  I'm not sure if all of my letters are going to be a thank you, but I a would like to think majority are written in a positive manner.  Stay tuned for letter 1 later today....

Sept27th.MPG

Rough Times

TagGame: 10 things that you are grateful or proud of....MPG