Day Three of the Pre-op Liquid Diet

I got on the scale this morning and I weigh 6 lbs less than I did on Tuesday morning. So it is working but I am starving most of the day. I know I am addicted to food because all I can think about is what I wish I could eat or not grabbing a leftover from the kids plate. Some people cheat the first few days, but I am going to do my best to stay on the plan.

The diet reduces the size of your liver so the surgery is easier to do. And I don't want them to have to open me up to do it so I am going to work my way through these wierd feelings. I am going to take it one day at a time and so far I am doing well with that.

Letting Go of the Old Me

Not literally because I want to be the same person just a little better looking. So today I went to Savers and TJ Maxx to look at some clothing in smaller sizes. I didn't buy anything but if I found something I would have bought in in preparation for the months to come. I don't like wearing baggy clothing but it seems like that is all I own right now.

I have more jeans in size 14 than I probably will ever need. I must have gone on a Old Navy Shopping spree when I lost the 40 lbs 6 years ago. I don't have any shirts or sweaters though. And I hate that when you actually need the stuff the store is already prepping for the following season.

I really don't know how fast or how slow the weight will come off so I don't know if in say January if I would be in an XL or Large. And to pre-buy stuff might not be a good idea or it could be if I hit a great sale. One year I found sweaters at Macy's in a buy one get one sale. I haven't seen a sale like that lately though. But maybe I will get lucky on Christmas being right around the corner.

Talking to my Sister

The past couple years Lisa and I have not spoken more than a few times and usually it was about her and her health needs. Last summer I sent her an email to tell her I was having gastric bypass. She seemed a little take back by it. She said,"Well I hope you don't die." I hope so too. She told me to keep her informed of what was going on and I said I will.

So yesterday I left her a voice mail to tell her I had my date and things were progressing. I guess she was in a grocery store or just didn't want to talk but she is the one that called me back. The phone call was only a couple minutes at best. Is she worried something is going to go bad with the surgery? Is that why she didn't want to talk? Does she care is really the question? I think I have been more than honest that the family dynamics for our siblings have been strained and we count on extended family and friends as our support. This has been the case for many years now. Then why is that I so desperately want my big sister to give me a hug and say it is all going to be okay? Or even I will be there for you if there is anything you need.

And selfishly I want to hear the words I love you Sheri and She will be an aunt to those kids who miss her too. This is one chapter of my life that I want finished. I want my sister back and the person she used to be.

When Your Friends are Your Family

I can't express how appreciative I am of the friends that I have. They are like a family to me and the support you've all given to me has touched my heart in many ways. So today I say thanks and I love you all(apbc)and especially Gina and Danielle. Who actually are my family but also my friends. You all hold me up when I am down, hold my hand when I am lonely and pray for me when I am scared.

Twenty Three Days and Counting

I have my surgery date (November 9th), with a two week prior liquid diet. So on October 26th I will be allowed three protein shakes and one lean cuisine meals a day. This is done so you can reduce the size and fat stored in your liver. The surgery sites are blocked by your liver and the doctor or assistant has to hold it over to get to the stomach and intestines. Hence the smaller the liver the better for it to be just be laproscopy gastric bypass.

So the big question will be what should I eat before the surgery and be ready to not eat again for at least a few months if not forever? I will still be very newly post op on Thanksgiving so it maybe a Thanksgiving dinner in October. I am not a huge turkey fan so I can take it or leave it. What I think I am really going to miss is fresh cookies. So everyone don't be surprised if I have dozens of different kinds of cookies on my counter before the 26th. Molasses and choc. chip are my favorites so they would be at the top of the list.

But you know what the most surprising thing in this 5 month journey has been, is that I am not depressed that eating is going to be very different soon. Or even that deciding what to have for my goodbye to food is really hard. I used to love eating but not so much now. I starting to become very aware of my emotional or mindless snacking. And I have ate myself to over 200 lbs and I am ready to change for the better.

The Waiting Game Begins

The second surgeon appointment went very well. Dr. Pohl did a quick exam (to check to what I think is how big my liver is). They have to move it out of the way to rearrange things. He asked me if I had any questions and I said I really didn't have any because I have researched too much. Is that wrong, to not have questions? Anyways I asked some stupid ones like can I only mix the protein powder with water after surgery? I didn't want it to seem like I am oblivious to what I am doing or non-challant.

That is when he said it looks like you've lost 13 lbs since July. What have you been doing? I think this is the most important part of pre-surgery and after. You have to do the work or the surgery won't last. You have to exercise and stop eating the junk so that after the surgery it isn't as rough to get used to. Yeah me on the 13 lbs!

The office staff is compiling all my paperwork and sending it to the insurance now. Hopefully I will hear back soon that I am approved and I can get the surgery date then. This is where the waiting game happens. I have done all the work by going to the doctors appointments and tests. It is just red tape at this point. My insurance is known for being good at quick approvals so I am not worried. Anxious to move forward but not paranoid that is isn't going to happen. But I got the two week pre-op diet packet so I know we are getting close. Vitamins and protein shakes are in my future for two weeks pre-op.

November looks like it is going to be the month though. Right in time for the holidays. It might be a little rough watching everyone eat Thanksgiving dinner and I am having chicken broth but that is okay, I have had enough Velvetta ladden broccoli to last me a lifetime. I am going to get some pumpkin flavored sugar free syrup and I am going to add it to pudding or a shake so I get my faux pumpkin pie fix.

My last thought of this post is, next year I know I will be going to a wedding and I will be able to buy a new dress. What size will I be able to get? I know I will be able to go into majority of the mall and pick up something off the rack as long as it is short. How exciting will that be??? The smallest size I have ever been was a size 10 and it was my prom dress when I was 17. Then I was right back to a 12-14. I am pretty sure I have been a size 14 since the age of 12ish. Will it be possible with the aid of spanx to be for the first time in my adult life a size without a 1 in front? Time will tell and I have a lot of hard work to put in, but this is what I am looking forward to.

Kind of Depressing but,....

I think its really important that I think very positive that all is going to go well for me. Though I keep thinking what the psych said," You do know you could die,right?" Well, I could also die from being 100lbs overweight too. But, I keep thinking should I put something in writing to my family in case something does go wrong?

Like what would I want to say to my sister who I am not close to right now? I miss you more than you could ever know? Please mend your relationship with mom and dad so they are not alone. Know that I think about you everyday and wish you knew what real happiness is so you'd know whether you have it or not. That is just a smidgen of what I wish I could say but don't know how to say the rest.

Writing to my kids would be the hardest. But I know what I would say to them. How much I love them, wishes for them in the future, why I chose to do this. You get the drift.

To Howard to please find comfort and help where it is given. Mend fences that need to be fixed and don't destroy ones that are built. I think he knows what that means if I said that but not in code.

But let me make this clear, I am doing this for me to live. I am going to make it. I am going to be a success and be the mom I want to be which includes going down slides at Mason field which I can't do now because my ass is too big.

But just in case, I love everyone in my circle of friends and family even the ones that don't really love me.

Going to channel the positive energy and I promise no more depressing blogs.