Almost 4 Months Post Surgery

Dressing Room Phobia

Very quickly clothes that I bought in the past couple months are starting to be undergrown. I am fine with wearing tops that are too big but I can't be walking out of pants or skirts. So off to the mall I go. Mentally it is hard to wrap my mind around that I can pick something from the misses department and it will fit. Unfortunately I am not in love with the style that is popular at the moment. The empire waist looks cute on skinny girls but looks like a maternity shirt on woman that have actually had children. I realize that my body will always be pouchy without a little plastic surgery help.

So this is my story. How is that I can walkout of two malls and an Old Navy and not find one thing that I like on. Is it that I don't like myself in smaller cothes? Possible. I think the reason is that I am afraid to go in the dressing room and the clothes still be too small. I don't like the mirror that shows all of your lumps and bumps. But on the other hand the lumps and bumps are just me and I am ok.

Needless to say I went to my local Old Navy and got a few tops that I did like and seeing pictures of me in them made realize that I have climbed a huge mountain of weight loss. However the pressure of putting the pictures up makes me pause. Do I want people to be surprised? Am I going to measure up to what they expect. I don't know what is holding me back, but as soon I am get over the hump I will let you know.

Feeling A Little Under The Weather

Woke up this morning with the tell tale scratchy sore throat. I think a cold is on the horizon for me. I hate being sick but somehow I roll with the punches. The Y had a body pump class at 10:00 so I went in case I am not able to go tomorrow. I felt good to work my body out.

I went lighter on the weights since the not feeling great might take its toll tomorrow. On to the scale victory in case anyone is reading the blog. I jumped on the scale this morning and I was 149. I am so happy about that and the journey that I have been on. I keep thinking at the pace I am going than by swim season I will probably be in the 120-130s. I can't wait.

Embracing the Me

You know for a long time I just wanted to be different than who I was. I wanted to be thinner, wear smaller clothes, have longer hair, be a better mom, have more patience and fix what was broken in my life. In the past few months I have had experiences with a few of those things. I wear smaller clothing, I am thinner and I have had longer hair. But does it make me a better person? no. I still am the same mom I always was and the patience is hard to come by. But all in all I know deep down I am a good mom to my boys.

Putting on clothes and seeing the lumps and bumps left by almost 15 years of obesity has left an emotional wound. I don't see the smaller picture of myself and recognize the figure that is slowly developing. However yesterday in dressing room I have come to the conclusion that I get over it.

I went to the mall to find a compression yoga top for the body pump classes I take at the ymca. Except I don't like how you can see all the belly rolls I still have. And I may always have. In the dressing room I thought to myself this body has carried 4 children. I am almost 34 years old and it will never look like a 20 year old with flat tummy unless I get plastic surgery. And considering I have always had a lower belly even when I was 120 in high school it looks like I may have to just get used to it. So did I buy the yoga top at JC Penny? No but I am going to get one soon. And in the meantime I am going to embrace the person I am. Lumps and Bumps and alittle cranky too.

Getting Ready for Some Major Changes

A few of readers know that I got received a job offer that I am going to be starting soon. I am so looking forward to going back to teaching and taking back some of me. Meaning the part of me that doesn't involve my identity of being a mother or wife. I can't wait to be around the classroom and explore learning through young children again.

Another big change is that the scale read a number that I haven't seen in a very long time. In high school was the last time I ever saw the number 160. And the greatest news is that the scale is going to continue to go down. Yippee! It is getting to the time that I need to embrace buying some new clothes. It is still hard to recognize the loss on a daily basis but as the clothes that I used to wear are very big on I can see the changes.

Thanks for reading and talk to you all later.

I Need a New Bathing Suit

I have been thinking that I might want to add swimming to the exercise routine. Maybe build up some endurance and lung capacity. So this is the deal. I put on a bathing suit that I wore last summer. I look like a deflated marshmellow and the bathsuit just hangs off. Great! I put on a suit that I haven't worn in like forever and it is black. It fits but it doesn't cover the upper thigh area that I am still very self concious about. It is good enough to gets some swim sessions in but I can see bathing suit shopping is in the future.

Another thing that I have noticed that wearing pj's that are huge are not as comfortable as you'd think. You get wrapped up in material while tossing and turning and it wakes you up. New Pjs are in the future too. Maybe get a little something to please the husband instead of the flannel ones I always wear? We'll see.

8 Weeks Out

Lumps and Bumps but that is me.