New Years and a New Me

We are totally snowed in here in MA so it looks like me and the computer are going to spend some time together today. Tomorrow I will be seven weeks out and I can see changes happening on the inside and out. I heard that feelings can come out when you can't mask them with food and that is more true than I knew. So after some reflection about the new year coming I think I have found what I am going to have as my resolution. Here it is.

In the new year I am going to accept the compliments and not turn it into a negative(Sheri you look great!(I take it as,what did they think of me before). I think you get what I mean. I also am going to speak my truth and not conform my thoughts to please others.

My hopes for the new year seems to be the same as last. I would hope that 2011 brings family back together, healing and health to all. Happy New Year.

Day of Surgery to Five Weeks Out

Five Weeks Out

What a miserable day here in Massachusetts. It is rainy and cloudy, but I got my hair cut last night and I am feeling pretty hip. I really haven't changed clothing sizes lately but I know it is coming so I am not going to get depressed about it. Those jeans in my closet are my next goal, so hopefully in a few weeks or so you'll hear that I got into them.

This week I started Zumba class, and I absolutely love it. I hope Evan will stay in the child watch so I can get a few classes in this week. All in all I am feel pretty good. Slight nausea at times, but only a few foods have come back up. Tuna and chicken in a can are not my friend.

In a couple months they say I should anticipate losing some hair. Not something that I am looking forward to but it happens with surgery. In the meantime I better get my butt in gear and holiday preparations. Only a few gifts purchased and no tree up yet. I will get it done cause I always do but just not feeling that holiday spirit yet. Anyhow, have a great rest of your weekend.

Red Kidney Bean Soup

This is my go to meal and is high in protein.

a package of dried red kidney beans(soak overnight)

in the morning change the water and add

1 small tomato paste
1 splenda
Two sticks of churrico with the casing removed( you can use turkey sausage if you are worried about the fat)
1 onion diced
1/2 tsp allspice
1/2 tsp chili powder

Simmer for 2 hours or until beans are soft

I add greek yogurt and cheese to up the protein. I puree the soup prior to adding the yogurt and cheese.

Three Weeks Post op

Ok so I have been panicking that I have only lost ten pounds since the surgery. The doc was not concerned and said the body is going to catch up so don't worry so much. Anyways I am losing inches which is great.

This morning I am down another 2 pounds so it is finally going down again. Yeah!!!

These Boots Are Made for Walking

I am so excited!!!! Two-three weeks ago I went to Savers to look for some sweaters to go with the 20 pairs of jeans that I have been saving for the past 7 years. My plan is not to spend alot of money on clothes that I won't be wearing for long due to the quick changes that are happening. Anyways, anyone that knows me, knows that shoes are my enemy. I can never find any that fits right. Recently found a pair of cute mary-janes at Kmart that are now my (Sheri Shoes) that people will see on a daily basis. I love when I find Sheri Shoes( sorry went off topic).

I desperately covet the look of boots that are the current style right now. Alas my feet and calves don't agree and they just haven't been in the cards for me. Plus I can't afford to spend 100 dollars on boots when the holidays are around the corner.

Well, the store was calling my name and I decided to walk to the back of the store to the shoe section. I turn the corner and there is a pair of brown tall boots with a $6.99 price tag and they look like they have never been worn. "Oh my G-d they are my size" but are they going to zip? I get them on but the zipper only goes up to midcalf. That is what boot-cut jeans are for, to cover the part that doesn't zip. I am buying these boots because I know they are going to zip eventually.

So for the past three weeks I keep thinking about the boots in my closet waiting for me. This morning I think to myself," Sheri, put the friggin boots on and see what happens and if worse case happens the zipper still stays at midcalf."

I slowly start the zipper and realize it is going to go all the way up. I have had my first non-scale victory and now I am on the hunt for a skirt to go with my brown boots. Yeah me!!!!

Tomorrow and I'm on the (losers) Bench

So for the past two weeks Howie and I have been trying to get all the lingering projects done around the house. If anyone goes by my house they will see the purge job we have accomplished. The basement is clean and the garage and the house is in good shape.

I think that I have done all the laundry and then I go in my room and find two more baskets that I forgot about. At least that can be done today. Howie just needs to keep it up while I am gone.

Matt is alittle emotional that he doesn't want me to change. He likes me how I am. I guess I can understand that everyone likes a fluffy pillow to cuddle with. It is going to be ok though and he'll see the healther mom he gets in a few months.

The last part of our projects is very slow going though. We are ripping up the kitchen floor and the subfloor. I swear there is 100 nails in two floor sections. It is taking forever to get it up. I hope it gets finished today and I can leave knowing that Howie is not having to tackle the project alone.

Off to pack my hosital bag. Thanks for the prayers and well wishes.

One More Week

More than half way through the liquid diet. I admit it is not easy and your head plays some serious games on you. Thankfully I have controlled the urge not to implusively eat something. Like if I am making a sandwich for the kids not to grab a slice of cheese for myself. I didn't eat a piece of candy from the Halloween bags. I really want to surgery to go off without a hitch. So no cheating.

Last night we went to Friendly's for the NAJF fundraiser. I looked up the nutrician menu and found that I could have the apple walnut harvest chicken salad and it would have the same stuff that the lean cuisine has. I ordered it without the apples so the calories were even less. So i am pretty happy with my choice.

But it is bad to the routine today of shakes,water and the diet meal. Because next tuesday is my day. Hopefully Howard will keep people updated if they want over facebook. Have a great day everyone.

Day Three of the Pre-op Liquid Diet

I got on the scale this morning and I weigh 6 lbs less than I did on Tuesday morning. So it is working but I am starving most of the day. I know I am addicted to food because all I can think about is what I wish I could eat or not grabbing a leftover from the kids plate. Some people cheat the first few days, but I am going to do my best to stay on the plan.

The diet reduces the size of your liver so the surgery is easier to do. And I don't want them to have to open me up to do it so I am going to work my way through these wierd feelings. I am going to take it one day at a time and so far I am doing well with that.

Letting Go of the Old Me

Not literally because I want to be the same person just a little better looking. So today I went to Savers and TJ Maxx to look at some clothing in smaller sizes. I didn't buy anything but if I found something I would have bought in in preparation for the months to come. I don't like wearing baggy clothing but it seems like that is all I own right now.

I have more jeans in size 14 than I probably will ever need. I must have gone on a Old Navy Shopping spree when I lost the 40 lbs 6 years ago. I don't have any shirts or sweaters though. And I hate that when you actually need the stuff the store is already prepping for the following season.

I really don't know how fast or how slow the weight will come off so I don't know if in say January if I would be in an XL or Large. And to pre-buy stuff might not be a good idea or it could be if I hit a great sale. One year I found sweaters at Macy's in a buy one get one sale. I haven't seen a sale like that lately though. But maybe I will get lucky on Christmas being right around the corner.

Talking to my Sister

The past couple years Lisa and I have not spoken more than a few times and usually it was about her and her health needs. Last summer I sent her an email to tell her I was having gastric bypass. She seemed a little take back by it. She said,"Well I hope you don't die." I hope so too. She told me to keep her informed of what was going on and I said I will.

So yesterday I left her a voice mail to tell her I had my date and things were progressing. I guess she was in a grocery store or just didn't want to talk but she is the one that called me back. The phone call was only a couple minutes at best. Is she worried something is going to go bad with the surgery? Is that why she didn't want to talk? Does she care is really the question? I think I have been more than honest that the family dynamics for our siblings have been strained and we count on extended family and friends as our support. This has been the case for many years now. Then why is that I so desperately want my big sister to give me a hug and say it is all going to be okay? Or even I will be there for you if there is anything you need.

And selfishly I want to hear the words I love you Sheri and She will be an aunt to those kids who miss her too. This is one chapter of my life that I want finished. I want my sister back and the person she used to be.

When Your Friends are Your Family

I can't express how appreciative I am of the friends that I have. They are like a family to me and the support you've all given to me has touched my heart in many ways. So today I say thanks and I love you all(apbc)and especially Gina and Danielle. Who actually are my family but also my friends. You all hold me up when I am down, hold my hand when I am lonely and pray for me when I am scared.

Twenty Three Days and Counting

I have my surgery date (November 9th), with a two week prior liquid diet. So on October 26th I will be allowed three protein shakes and one lean cuisine meals a day. This is done so you can reduce the size and fat stored in your liver. The surgery sites are blocked by your liver and the doctor or assistant has to hold it over to get to the stomach and intestines. Hence the smaller the liver the better for it to be just be laproscopy gastric bypass.

So the big question will be what should I eat before the surgery and be ready to not eat again for at least a few months if not forever? I will still be very newly post op on Thanksgiving so it maybe a Thanksgiving dinner in October. I am not a huge turkey fan so I can take it or leave it. What I think I am really going to miss is fresh cookies. So everyone don't be surprised if I have dozens of different kinds of cookies on my counter before the 26th. Molasses and choc. chip are my favorites so they would be at the top of the list.

But you know what the most surprising thing in this 5 month journey has been, is that I am not depressed that eating is going to be very different soon. Or even that deciding what to have for my goodbye to food is really hard. I used to love eating but not so much now. I starting to become very aware of my emotional or mindless snacking. And I have ate myself to over 200 lbs and I am ready to change for the better.

The Waiting Game Begins

The second surgeon appointment went very well. Dr. Pohl did a quick exam (to check to what I think is how big my liver is). They have to move it out of the way to rearrange things. He asked me if I had any questions and I said I really didn't have any because I have researched too much. Is that wrong, to not have questions? Anyways I asked some stupid ones like can I only mix the protein powder with water after surgery? I didn't want it to seem like I am oblivious to what I am doing or non-challant.

That is when he said it looks like you've lost 13 lbs since July. What have you been doing? I think this is the most important part of pre-surgery and after. You have to do the work or the surgery won't last. You have to exercise and stop eating the junk so that after the surgery it isn't as rough to get used to. Yeah me on the 13 lbs!

The office staff is compiling all my paperwork and sending it to the insurance now. Hopefully I will hear back soon that I am approved and I can get the surgery date then. This is where the waiting game happens. I have done all the work by going to the doctors appointments and tests. It is just red tape at this point. My insurance is known for being good at quick approvals so I am not worried. Anxious to move forward but not paranoid that is isn't going to happen. But I got the two week pre-op diet packet so I know we are getting close. Vitamins and protein shakes are in my future for two weeks pre-op.

November looks like it is going to be the month though. Right in time for the holidays. It might be a little rough watching everyone eat Thanksgiving dinner and I am having chicken broth but that is okay, I have had enough Velvetta ladden broccoli to last me a lifetime. I am going to get some pumpkin flavored sugar free syrup and I am going to add it to pudding or a shake so I get my faux pumpkin pie fix.

My last thought of this post is, next year I know I will be going to a wedding and I will be able to buy a new dress. What size will I be able to get? I know I will be able to go into majority of the mall and pick up something off the rack as long as it is short. How exciting will that be??? The smallest size I have ever been was a size 10 and it was my prom dress when I was 17. Then I was right back to a 12-14. I am pretty sure I have been a size 14 since the age of 12ish. Will it be possible with the aid of spanx to be for the first time in my adult life a size without a 1 in front? Time will tell and I have a lot of hard work to put in, but this is what I am looking forward to.

Kind of Depressing but,....

I think its really important that I think very positive that all is going to go well for me. Though I keep thinking what the psych said," You do know you could die,right?" Well, I could also die from being 100lbs overweight too. But, I keep thinking should I put something in writing to my family in case something does go wrong?

Like what would I want to say to my sister who I am not close to right now? I miss you more than you could ever know? Please mend your relationship with mom and dad so they are not alone. Know that I think about you everyday and wish you knew what real happiness is so you'd know whether you have it or not. That is just a smidgen of what I wish I could say but don't know how to say the rest.

Writing to my kids would be the hardest. But I know what I would say to them. How much I love them, wishes for them in the future, why I chose to do this. You get the drift.

To Howard to please find comfort and help where it is given. Mend fences that need to be fixed and don't destroy ones that are built. I think he knows what that means if I said that but not in code.

But let me make this clear, I am doing this for me to live. I am going to make it. I am going to be a success and be the mom I want to be which includes going down slides at Mason field which I can't do now because my ass is too big.

But just in case, I love everyone in my circle of friends and family even the ones that don't really love me.

Going to channel the positive energy and I promise no more depressing blogs.

Just put down the donuts!!!!

As of right now my whole family knows that I am having rny(gastric bypass)in the next month or so. A few people are concerned that I may be doing the wrong thing and have voiced their opinions. Now I realize people are afraid that I could die from the surgery or even regret it. Well listen up, I am ready to make a change. My children need a parent to raise them. If I don't fix my issues than we are taking a chance of them having no parents. My husband is well over 300lbs, and as much as he would like to do the surgery too we can't afford for him to be out of work for 6 weeks.

My aunt,grandmother, and mom said to me the other day, Sheri you are looking good. I can tell you are losing weight on your own. They don't get it that the moment I stop or eat one thing to much I put weight right back on. My aunt says," Sheri don't do the surgery just put down the donuts!" Is that what they think I do? That if it was as simple as not eating a donut I would be 120 lbs. I am morbidly obese, and I need help. Yep, I said it I need someone to open me up and change things around to I can gain a level of control that I don't have right now.

If I knew how to eat like a thin person I would, that is waht the surgery will teach me. How to eat like a normal person. So for now I will be not eating donuts and still moving forward with the procedure.

Favorite Protein Shake at the moment

I make the choc. monkey shake according to theworldaccordingtoeggface blog. But I use 1/2 cup skim milk, 1/2 cup water, choc. protein, 1/2 frozen banana and then blend until combined.

I also like the shakes icy cold so I pour it over ice in a large glass. Yummy!

This is my life!

I have never been one for conflict or second guessing anyone so this new attitude is something new for me. Anxiety has been building a little bit wondering why the doctors office wasn't calling me back. SO today I called again to say what the deal was. This is my life here and if you don't want me to keep calling then call me back to answer my question. Have you gotten all my referrals yet or do I need to hound other offices?

Still no answer but they said they'd call my cell. Also, I am trying a new cpap mask tonight. The mirage full face mask was killing my forehead and I couldn't take it anymore. So tonight I am trying out the liberty. Wish me luck.

Back in School and New Beginnings

Matt and Alex went back to school this morning and even though the weather was uncooperative I know it is going to be a good day. So currently I have a fourth grader,second grader, pre-k, and a two year old. God time flies.

So last night I took the foam off of hair rollers and placed it between my forehead and mask. It worked really well and was able to go to sleep. The Ambien helped too!

This is going to be my year. I can feel it. I am ready to go back to work, feel good about myself, and take my life into new directions. I hope you all are willing to go on the ride with me. To a new and healthy new year!

Cpap Hell

I received my machine on Sunday knowing that either I am going to embrace cpap therapy or I am going to hate the whole thing. After trying on a couple masks I decided that ultimately a full face mask might be best for me since I breath through my mouth and nose when I sleep. Fast forward to Sunday night.

I put the mask on and take an Ambien. I had to repeat the ramp setting three or four times before I finally fell asleep. The worst past of the mask is the hard plastic that touches your forehead. I have to keep the mask tight so it doesn't leak thus making the mask uncomfortable to wear. I feel like someone is smothering me and it makes my just want to rip the whole thing off. I really don't like to be touched especially when I am sleeping. Good thing my husband works nights and usually I have the bed to myself.

I tried again last night and after wrestling with the thing for two hours just took it off. I need to find away to make the forehead part more comfortable or I am going to need a different mask. I am going to try and put foam between the plastic and my head. I will let you know how it goes tomorrow.

Oh Crap I need a C-PAP

So I got the call," you need to go back to the dreaded sleep lab for test with cpap" We all know how well that worked out the first time. So now I will be wrestling to sleep with the wires and have a machine blowing air up my nose. Sounds like fun huh.

But this is the last of the requirements that I need to finish before I can go back the surgeon and schedule the surgery. I will continue to move forward and realize that this is another a small hurdle in my path, but one I can jump over.

But if anyone is reading the blog and wants to know about the other testing let me know. The pysch. eval was very long and originally I didn't get approved. I had to go back and talk to a therapist who said that I knew what I was doing. The original pychiatrist thought that I would go back to emotional eating and didn't give me the benefit of the doubt. That is ok, they are only trying help me be successful. Wow that really shows some growth on my part. I spent most of last thursday crying about it and saying that everything always has to be hard time for me. The good news is that I didn't hit the ice cream while I was upset.

When you Can't Sleep at the Sleep Study

I think I might have jinxed myself when I told everyone about all my testing. Things have been going really fast and appointments have been going very well. Until last Thursday. I had to go for my sleep study. What is so hard about going to sleep? You go to bed everynight,fall asleep relatively quickly and wake up a new person. RIGHT? well most of the time.

I went to the sleep lab with my bag of nighttime stuff, nightgown, toothbrush, book and went in to the lab already tired. I think this going to be a piece of cake, everyone who has had the surgery has to do and they make it through.

The techs ask what time do I want to go to bed and then they'd give me a ten minute heads up so they can hook me up to the wires. I watched the Big Brother eviction and then a little after 9:00 they say it is time for me to get ready for bed. So I head down the brightly lit hallways to the bathroom and get ready.

The techs rub goop on my head and one by one wire up this box that will check to see if I have sleep apnea. No problems so far and I get into bed. That is when they say you have to put a nasal oxygen tube in your nose and wire that goes between the nose and mouth. I can feel the panic starting. I don't like things touching my face and this was starting a mild panic attack inside my brain.

I lay down and know this is going to be harder than I thought. I am not a back sleeper at all and now my brain is racing with I just wanted to get this over with and move on. "Sheri you need to go to sleep,Sheri you have to go to sleep" was running through my head. I tried deep breathing, praying to God to help me get through this. Nothing is working. I ask to put on the tv which I fall asleep to at home.

I got to the bathroom down the hall. I try again, no sleep is coming, the mind is on a loop of panic, I can't breathe with this stupid thing up my nose and I have to do this.

Four trips to the bathroom and not falling asleep at ALL. At 4:30 they say I can go home and we'd try again some other day. I cried part of the way home was weepy the rest of the day. The doctor calls and tells me not to worry they'd give me ambien next time and I should fall asleep.

Now is the waiting game of hoping a cancellation happens so I can do the test again. The lack of not knowing when or if I am going to get the phone call soon to have the test again is making me anxious.

So as things stay now I still have to pass the psych. eval and sleep test.

Gallbladder ultrasound and Surgeon Appointment.

So tommorow morning I have the gallbladder ultrasound. I have no idea what to expect. I don't think I will have stones but maybe I do. Most people after having gastric bypass will end up with stones so if you already have them then they will take your gallbladder out during gastric bypass.

I meet Dr. Pohl for the first time on Thursday. I am feel anxious and nervous about the appointment. It is hard to actually say this is a huge problem for me and can you help. I am sure it will workout in the end. I really would like to get past all the testing and onto the actually after surgery part. Life is about to change and hopefully for the better.

Ok I am going to put it out there!

For many years I have thought that I would want to have gastric bypass. I don't talk about my weight with anyone and I don't like people to bring it up with me. Let's face it, it is embarrassing to say I need help with this. Well, after much thought and seeing a good friend going through her journey I decided it is time to take the bull by the horns. Howard and I went to the seminar of Dr. Pohl's at Roger Williams Hospital and thought I am going to do this.

So with appointments made and referrals coming along I am in the beginning of my journey. I had a physical and will be seeing the surgeon at the beginning of July. And if anyone in my family comes across the blog and reads this, know that it is a decision that I have thought out. Please be supportive and I really do know that I am fat so you don't need to remind me of it. It is a somewhat long process of testing but I am going to take a deep breath and say the words that I have a hard time saying,"I need help."

The Reverse Mohawk(thanks Jim for the title)

Well it is summer time and I had four little boys that have the look of monchichi's. I decided it is time to give the short buzz cut for the summer. Evan's hair has only been cut once so I didn't even know if it was thick enough to buzz or if he'd sit still but I was going to try. I planned on giving Jacob and Evan their hairdo in the afternoon and the other two later that night.

Let me first say that I have done the buzz cut on them a few times already because they say their dad makes it hurt. I add lubricant before and during the buzz so it shouldn't pull their thick hair. That's a mommy for ya. Anyways, I did Jacob's hair first and it came out great. I didn't cut his skin around the ear and it was all one length. My confidence was running high so I was going to see if I could buzz Evan.

I sat him on the sink and I thought this is either going to work or I'd be heading to snip-its to fix the damage I was going to cause. I put the 3/4 inch guide on and took a deep breath. So far, so good, no tears. And it came out all good if I say so myself. No tears and only one cut on the back of his ear. I couldn't believe the luck I was having. Two down two to go and maybe I would cut Howard's hair too if he asked.

Alex is my easiest hair cut. He doesn't move and as long as I don't take too long he doesn't complain. I buzz him up and vacuum the red pile of hair on the floor. If all my kids were like him I would be one lucky mama. Minus the picky eating of course.

On to the pita (pain in the ass) thick as molasses, father of all monchichi hair Matthew. He does not like to cut his hair at all and will complain from the moment you start until he gets out of the shower. "What are you going to do? How short are you going to make it? How many times are you going to go around?" Matt asks. I hadn't even started yet and it was almost 9pm. And after 8:30 it is my time to relax after a long day so I am getting cranky. I am sure you can imagine my side of the conversation. I buzz him real short because his hair grows like someone pored Miracle Grow on it after a week. I shape around his ears and neck and sent him on his way to the shower.

Finally I can put the little chicks to bed and move onto enjoy the rest of my night. As I am changing Evan's diaper and putting him in pjs I hear the vacuum running, no big deal. Then Jacob comes running into the bedroom with a strip of hair missing right down the center of his head. "What did you do?" I yelled. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. There is no way I can fix it without making him literally bald.

Deep breath, count to 10 and I begin the process of trying to fix the unfixable other than waiting. I take the rest of his hair to 1/16th and hope the strip will grow fast. Where is that miracle grow when you need it? You can still see the strip slightly but I think I can fix it in a week or so. I finish and throw him in the shower for the second time that day.

I go back downstairs and grab a Mike's Lemonade out of the fridge and put together a fan for Matt' room. Fun times at the Warsofsky house and it never ends. Howard says maybe you should write a note to explain to the teacher why he looks the way he does. I do and I can imagine the laughs they will have knowing Jacob the way they do.

I wish I had taken a picture it when first happened so you can plainly see the reverse Mohawk. Maybe when he gets off the bus I will take one of the baldy.

CT-Scan Results

In early February we went back to see Dr. Kenna to find out the results of the genetic testing and the CT. Jacob has a malformed cochlea and a narrowed auditory nerve. The genetic tests show that he doesn't have any of the diseases that they tested for. In theory his hearing should remain on his right side. As long as he doesn't damage the ear with loud noises and iPods he should continue with a unilateral hearing loss on his left side.

We should be optimistic and continue our lives as we would have if we didn't have child with hearing loss. The only thing is I couldn't help that I looked at Jacob differently than I did my other two. I thought of him as a fragile baby that needed me to interpret his behavior for others.

Jacob had a high pitched shrill scream that made the hair on the back of your neck stand up and hurt your ears. People really didn't want to be around him for long periods of time because of the screaming. Jacob was never a baby that liked to be held or rocked to sleep which I think my mother and grandmother had a hard time with. He would make his body be rigid when he didn’t want to be picked up and that made people not really bond in a good way with him. It made me feel very self conscious of our little family and I began to make me isolate myself and him. It almost felt like people were saying, “Oh shit here comes Jacob.” Howard doesn't admit it but he didn't tolerate it well either. He still is much harder on Jacob than he ever was or is on Matt and Alex. I can't help but try to protect Jacob from harsh criticisms and judgments. I felt like I was being criticized as a mother because I couldn't stop the screaming of her child. I became very defensive and thought no body understood what I was going through at the time.

I can't tell you the amount of times that we were in a restaurant and told people he is hearing impaired and that is why he is not listening to me telling him to sit down. Family would tell me it wasn’t as bad as I made it out to be. Look when I call his name he turns around was a common statement made by family members.

And then I would have Howard going around that if Jacob was our first he'd be our only child. OK I admit Jacob is a total handful but he is my handful. I love this kid with all my heart and he is the child that made me into a better mother and advocate for my children. If it wasn't for him I wouldn't have been as knowledgeable on the IEP process when I had to go through it with Matt and Alex. Jacob has made me a better person and I don't judge others as quickly because there might be an underlining reason why they act a certain way. I am now prepared to be the lioness to fight for her cubs and not let them slip though the cracks of the education system. And I owe it all to him and he will know as he grows up that no matter what I will be in his corner and cheering all his victories and pushing him through his losses.

Children's Hospital

Our local ENT referred us to a Boston Children’s Hospital otolaryngolist Dr. Margaret Kenna. We were given an appointment a week or so later which is almost unheard of when making an appointment at Childrens. In case I fail to applaud this doctor in any future blogs let me just say she has changed our lives in regards to Jacob. I couldn’t have found a better advocate for him and our family than her.

Howard and I carried in Jacob in his infant car seat into the exam room. I took him out to hold him knowing that we were in unknow territory. Never in our wildest dreams could we have prepared ourselves for the amount of information we’d receive. I wish I had brought a tape recorder because by time 2 minutes had gone by, I totally zoned out. I had to give a detailed account of his birth and all the subsequent things that happened. I didn’t know what antibiotics they gave him when he was struggling to breathe. Was he given the Gentomicin which can cause hearing damage if he was given too much? I would have to call the hospital and find out (yes he was).

Dr. Kenna explained that the hearing canals and structures are developed during the weeks 15-20ish of pregnancy. I had a major bout of strep throat during week 17 was that the cause? She explained to us that Jacob would start with genetic testing and an EKG during this visit and would need to have a C-T Scan in a few weeks. I brought in a baby with hearing loss in one ear and now they are telling me his hearing loss could affect the other ear. He may have a disease that affects his heart. They are going to take how many vials of blood to do the genetic testing? It was an overwhelming moment but I had no choice but to move forward.

Jacob had numerous vials of blood taken that morning to test for
Connexin 26, 12 S rRNA Mito DNA Mutation, Pendrin, tRNA-Ser Mito Mutation, and a general CBC. Thankfully his heart on the EKG was normal for his age. The one test that they couldn’t test for is the syndrome that I and a few family members show signs of which is branchio-oto-renal syndrome. My grandfather, father, nephew and I have cavity pits on the side of our outer ear.

This time I would be able to go into the sound booth and watch them give him a hearing test. So I sat in the chair with him on my lap facing an audiologist. While they placed the tiniest of earbuds in his ears with wires coming out. The idea is that when the sound is presented in one ear at a time he'd turn his head in that direction. I couldn't hear anything but every so often I would see him turn his little head. Then it would seem like they stopped doing the test but nobody was saying anything like it was done.
All of a sudden I could gradually hear the sound getting louder and louder. They were testing his deaf side and the decibal range was louder than a jackhammer in his ear. Still no response. Eventually the sound was so loud outside the earbud that is radiated over to the right side and he'd respond. I could feel the tears pricking the backs of my eyes. I knew my child was deaf and the test came back as we expected Profound hearing loss on his left ear and normal range on the right. The audiologist says to us well I know this is alot information but the good news is that he'll have "Normal Speech and Language" but there is nothing we can do. No hearing aids, cochlea implants,and will have an invisible disabilty unless he shows hearing loss in the other ear.

We left the office with the recommendation of getting Early Intervention before 6 months old and make sure to limit background noise when speaking as much as possible to aid with speech and language development. Until the genetic testing was completed and the C-T scans I was at the mercy of internet researching to find answers. What were these syndromes that they were testing for. What are the symptoms, are they passed down thru family, is my child going to sicker than I thought? By the way there is not a lot of good information on Unilateral Hearing Loss and certainly next to nothing on support for parents with children with this condition. Unless you are someone over the age of 50 or it is hearing loss from Treacher Collins or audiotory neuroma you are out of luck finding appropriate material that applied to Jacob.

The C-T Scan would hold the answers for us but that is another story.

The First ABR hearing test

We took Jacob home with the knowledge that he was going to have a hearing test when he was 4 weeks old. I loved rocking and singing to my third son. The part that surprised me is that when he slept very soundly and was hard to startle. At the time I thought this is great a baby who sleeps like a rock from the very beginning. Don’t get me wrong he woke up to eat but then would fall back to sleep relatively quickly. This was wonderful!!!!

A week or so after we came home I received a letter in the mail outlining what we had to do to prepare him for the 1 to 2 hour test.
1. Don’t let the baby eat 3-4 hours before the test.
2. Don’t let the baby sleep after they eat
3. Bring a blanket to wrap the baby in.

Number three was easy but how do you keep a newborn awake? In the car I sat in the back with him and kept rubbing his cheek and then I took off his socks and was tickling his toes. When we got to the audiologist she told us other parents have used refrigerated wipes to keep the baby awake. Why didn’t they tell us that trick earlier?

They brought Howard and me into the sound booth where I could feed him and try and get him to sleep. He needed to be deep sleep for the audiologist to study brain responses (ABR) to sound. I got him to sleep and laid him down flat on the stretcher. Oh no this is going to be a problem. He never slept flat. I had him sleeping in a baby bouncer seat because it was easier to pick him up after the c-section. He didn’t like laying flat and kept waking up. Plus he was a little stuffy from having a cold coming on.

About 20 minutes go by and Howard and I are waiting in the reception area. They couldn’t do the whole test he was too congested. What they found is that he failed on both sides and essential he was deaf at the time. We’d have to come back after the cold was gone but he still needed to be in the window of being an infant under 12 weeks. I guess after 12 weeks the babies are not as reliable to take the test from just sleep depravation and they’d have to sedate them at a hospital to do the same test.

Jacob was 8 weeks old when we went back. They allowed us to take the cloth part of the car seat and they’d try and do the test with him sitting reclined and sleeping. This time they were able complete the whole test. The audiologist came out to get Howard and me while her assistant feed Jacob the rest of his bottle. I should have known something was wrong when she said come into my office we need to talk.

I brought a notepad and pencil and was ready to write everything she said. “Your child has a profound sensory neural unilateral hearing loss. Jacob is deaf on his left side and has normal hearing on his right side. This is a good thing he’ll have normal speech and language” she said. This is where I stopped writing. However, there are many things you need to consider with a child with single sided deafness. It is an invisible disability and not everyone will understand the impact he will have. He will struggle with interacting with his peers. He won’t know the direction sound is coming from so it is a safety issue near a road with cars. He’ll need an FM in the classroom and most importantly he’ll need Early Intervention and an Otolaragologist. My head was swimming with all she said. She did say normal speech and language right? Whatever that means.

Jacob's Birth Story

I woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom for the millionth time. Just as I was about to swing my legs back into bed my water broke. The mild contractions that I had been having off and on for the past month kicked into high gear. I could feel his head sinking into my pelvis and knew I better head to the hospital because the contractions were now 2-3 minutes apart. I was going to have a repeat c-section due to the complications I had with Alex left the doctors feeling that a c-section was the best option.

Luckly, Howard was at the point in his job that he could leave work. He met us at the hospital just as my mom got me to the Maternity floor. And they thankfully were able to get me prepped for surgery pretty quickly. It was a good thing because I could feel the labor progressing very fast and I was in desperate need of pain meds.

It seemed like as soon as it started it was over. I strained to hear the baby crying in the distance. "Howard go with the baby and make sure he is ok" I quietly said. But after he left Howard didn't come back. As seconds turned to minutes I knew something was wrong. As they were finishing the operation he came back to tell me Jacob was struggling to breathe and they had to start an IV. When I was in recovery I had Howard stay with him and take a picture of the baby on the phone. I didn't even get a chance to see his face before he was wisked to the nursery.

The LDRP floor was busy that night so I was being assigned the last room on the floor in the farthest place from the nursery. I saw that he was in an isollette when they wheeled me by heading to my room. A few hours later our pediatrican came to tell me that he was going to be in the nursery for awhile and that I should take a rest until I could walk around.

This is where the determination of motherhood came into play. I sent Howard home to take a nap and he figured since I still had all the tubes that confined me to my bed I wasn't going anywhere. If only he knew what I planned to do when I got the chance even though I was in real pain emotionally and physically. The nurse came in right after he left to go home and asked if I wanted the cath out. YES was all I could say because I was going to see my baby. The nurse left my room and I started the long trek of heading to the nursery. I made it and they gave me a rocking chair to sit in. I pushed my hand thru the little window on the side so I could stroke his hair and see his little pink face. There he was my little Jacob 6lbs 7 oz. 19 1/2 inches long.

His breathing became regular and pulse ox went into a normal range. The nurse took him out of the isolette so I could finally meet my little boy. "Jacob, if you want to get out of the box you have to breathe" I whispered. Howard came back and got nervous when he couldn't find me. They convinced him to take me back to the room. By then I knew I missed a dose of pain meds and I could barely move. He had to get a wheelchair to get me back to bed. Jacob was doing so well they felt he could have a bath. Big mistake. He went backward and they had to restart the oxygen.

An hour later I went back and again told them to give him to me. As soon as he was in my arms his breathing regulated. However, Satan the nurse from Woman and Infants (another hospital) was working a shift in the nursery. I kept asking when could he come in the room with me. Her response was that he may have to be brought to W and I and he was a little premature yadda yadda. She knew best and I knew nothing. Anybody that knows me, also knows that I was determined during my previous pregnancy despite preterm labor to not deliver at the baby factory in Rhode Island.

I would have held Jacob 24/7 before he was going to Rhode Island. As long as he was in my arms he was fine. This nurse didn't know who she was dealing with when she met me. I knew he'd be ok if they just left us alone to be mommy and her child.

I didn't break down until later that afternoon. This was not the birth that I wanted and what I was promised after recieving 20 weekly shots of progestrone. My baby was supposed to be healthy and as long as I got to 35 wks he'd be fine. I got to 36 wks 6 days. Why was this happening to me was all I kept thinking?

Later that night, they finally figured if he was going to be on an IV and oxygen monitor he could just as easily be on in my room. Once we started the rooming in process things started to get better. We got rid of the IV a day later and lost the monitor too. I told Howard to keep the dragon lady out of my room and all would be good.

The day we were being released a nurse came in to tell me that Jacob failed the newborn screening test for hearing twice. They had me on a phone with the department of health to make a follow up appointment to recheck his hearing before I could absorb what she just said. "Don't worry, 9 times out of 10 its because there is some fluid left in thier ears from the c-section" was how she said it. I really wish she never told me that. We didn't know we'd be on the bad side of the statistic and the journey that was going to become our lives with Jacob.

Happy Mother's Day

I always tell people that as long as my mother and mother in law are alive that Mother's Day is primarily celebrated around them. Which is fine by me. I enjoyed seeing their faces open the presents with the boys handprints and pictures. I love the gift of my children and the love they have brought into my life. But as great as my mothers day was I can't help but think of the moms in my life that I didn't get a chance to say I am thinking of you.
I sent an email to a couple of them but I don't know if it was well recieved. It is hard when people think you are a certain kind of person that you really aren't.I didn't have my sister's phone number so I didn't have the ability to wish her a happy mothers' day either. On the other hand she didn't call me today so maybe she didn't care if I called her or not. what will be will be I guess.
When we got home from the afternoon activities I can three baths with freshly washed pj's I love kissing their little heads when their hair smells like watermelons and is still damp. Life is good and each day brings new surprises. And I know there will be some of those with the IEP reviews coming up for Matt and Jacob. Love and kisses to all you moms out there. Have a good one.

Cranberry Muffins

Breakfast is my favorite meal of the day. If you called me in the morning to go to Mackie's,I would say "give me 20 minutes and I'll meet you there." This morning I made cranberry white chocolate chip muffins and brewed some DD coffee. It was heaven. I may have to make some more recipes from the book that had the cran. recipe.

Someday when my kids are grown I think I would love to own a bed and breakfast. I think I would be good at it too. I am not sure Howard wants to move to the boonies but I would. Or if it was in North Carolina and a golf course was nearby I could entise him.But the place I really want to be in is New Hamphshire. I talked about an experience we had when we first were dating.

Maybe it will happen, maybe not but until then I am going to keep trying out my fancy smancy recipes.

When Injury Comes a Knocking.

Let me first say he is doing ok.

Yesterday I got the phone call that no one wants to get that your child is hurt and bleeding. Alex was at a friends house playing outside. Apparently, he got hit with a metal bat in the forehead and split his head open. The mom called me while her mother was holding Alex and he was bleeding pretty bad. Howard had just left to run an errand so I told him to turn around. He went to pick up Alex because by time I got the other two in the car he'd have already been there.
Five minutes later I call to see if they were going to go right to the ER or whether he was coming home first. The moment I saw the cut and the bump I knew we had to go for stitches or the glue. I was terrified that his seizure disorder was going to rear its ugly head and he'd have a seizure. Alex was crying and by accident when I reached into my pocketbook to make sure I had my phone it went flying and went into the dogs water bowl. Howard if you are reading this it really was me not Evan. Don't be mad I know this is the second phone in a week that has been broken or lost.
Anyways, it must have been the day for kids with head injuries at the hospital. There was a girl that has hit with a softball and another little boy that we know cut his head on a screw. After an hour of being left in the waiting room we finally were called in. The ER was jammed with people on stretchers in the hallway. I was lucky they gave us a room with a TV.
The doctor wanted to give us a choice of doing a CT or an observation for several hours to determine if he had more that a concussion. I chose an observation when the doctor relayed the risk of brain cancer after CT in children. Unfortunately without a phone I had no way to call anyone to give updates or even ask for someone to come and sit with us.
Later that night Howard came in with Matt and Evan to see what was going on. We were still waiting for them to glue his cut shut and finish the observation period. A kind soul brought in a vcr and tv so Alex could watch something other than the few adult channels that ER tv had.
Luckly, the glue held so stitches weren't needed. I am sure Alex or I would have melted down if they had to do that. I have a soft place for Alex since he is my more sensitive child.
I desperately wanted to call Lisa and have the supportive sister that I once knew by myside. When I got home I put Alex's situation on facebook. You can always tell who is there for you with who responds back in times of trouble. When I read a response from a family member who said I hope he is ok I couldn't stop crying. We were so lucky that it wasn't worse. And all you want around you is your family and friends to say we care.
I am sure this is will not be a one time trip as a parent but hopefully next time I don't trash my phone in the process.

Our Weekend

We went to a Bar Mitzvah this past weekend with all of the boys. First let me say it was so much fun and the oldest two partied til the last song played. I do wish Jacob could have held it together better and not shown his true self.
Believe me when I say that I know my son and the flaws he has with behaving. However,some people need to keep their mean faces to themselves when they see a young family come into a room. I really do try to keep Jacob at bay and not make a scene where not only am I embarrassed but everyone else is staring. Jacob is a handful but it would be nice for someone to offer a reassuring smile, to say oh I've been there. But no, the old bitty faces came out before he even done anything or Evan started to get restless.
I ended up taking Evan and Jacob upstairs early during the night party. It was just as well. Howard got to visit with family while I didn't have to worry about the youngest two misbehaving. I wish I got to see Matthew do the Cotton Eyed Joe Dance because I heard it was a sight to be seen. All in all it was a nice weekend with family that we haven't seen in awhile.
This morning was the first day back after the vacation. I forgot to put milk money in Matt's backpack so I had to run to the school this morning to give the 50cents. At least I won't have to hear that I forgot and he was the only one that didn't have a drink. All ends that ends well.

Slow Going....

We'll the toys are chosen and upstairs ready to slide under the beds. The living room and foyer area are clean and vacumned. The the pita (pain in the ass) folding of clothes in the dining room and the basement can take place tomorrow. Did I ever say that folding and putting away clothes are low on my priority list? Well it is.

Sometime in the next two days I have to pack bags for our family of six for a Bar Mitzvah on Saturday. I hope the house is finished before we leave though. It was starting to look like we were a candidate for hoarders buried alive. Until tomorrow folks.....

But That's Mine

We have way too much stuff in our house. However, Jacob my little control freak is having a hard time with purging the excess. He doesn't like when we move beds around or throw away broken toys. I am in the middle of a huge mess that needs to get worse before it gets better. The sorting and tossing followed by rearranging even gives me an anxiety attack.

Later today we are taking down the bunk beds and switching them with twins that are at my mom's house. I am sure we are in for a total meltdown. I want to take the kids toys and have them in bins under the kids beds so we can get rid of all the toy boxes. It sounds like a good idea. Unfortunatly, with a husband that works nights and sleeps the day away the majority of the work falls on my shoulders.

Hopefully, by the end of this week we will be able to have company over without tripping over the toys and finding empty juice pouches and wrappers under the couch. Wish me luck!

Stuck in a Bad Way

Evan is at the age that is definately adorable yet so stinken frustrating. He doesn't say many words so when he wants something it usually comes from a point or a temper tantrum and me desperately trying to figure out what he wants. I can't stand the high pitched shrill that he has inherited from his brother Jacob. But alass I know this too shall pass and I'll miss this phase too.
The lack of sibling relationships has been hard lately. Sometimes I wish that everyone involved had the ability of just moving on. Unfortnately, everyone thinks that they are the ones right in the situation. Alex(my 7 year old) saw my sister Lisa last week and when he wouldn't even look at her, never mind kiss her she got upset. She said don't you even remember me. The answer is "no" you walked out of his life when he was 3. The sad part is that Matthew is the only one that really remembers his aunts,uncles, cousins in a real way beyond pictures. Is there a way to fix this? Probably not since we are all stuck in a bad way with our own issues.

The Gift of Acceptance

I read something on facebook today that I think may have been a double jab at me. However, I decided that I am not going to hold those thoughts in my mind and ponder why they said what they did. My life lately has taken a new path that involves being honest with myself and others. Does it bother me that some people don't like me or want me in their life. ABSOLUTELY. But, it really is a misunderstanding of what kind of person I am.

I really try hard to be kind and generous with people I meet or are family and friends. Sometimes to the level of not taken my own situations into consideration. So today I am giving myself the gift of acceptance.

Not everyone likes me and that is ok.....

Am I The Bad Mother?

So Matthew had to have two teeth pulled this afternoon. I sent my husband to take him to the dentist. I really am not a good waiter at any doctors office. I hope he does okay. Hopefully the tooth fairy remembers to come tonight or he is not going to happy at all. Until later friends

crossing my fingers

Praying that we have reached the end of the Norovirus. All the boys in my family came down with the stomach bug in less than 48 hours. At one point I had four children throwing up at the same time. Luckly Howard held it together until the next day. I still have not fallen victim to it.

The ending result is the house still smells sickly and is trashed. I am hoping to
open the windows this weekend and tackle the unending chore of spring cleaning. Will see if that happens.

I just finished Bruce's 50th birthday cake. I am feeling anxious to get it delivered before any little fingers touch it. I always feel that way after making a cake, to hurry up and get it to where it needs to go. That is all for now.thanks for reading.

Anxiety

One of two things are going on. First choice I drank too much coffee or second having an anxious moment. I keep wondering around the house but not really doing anything. And then going back to the computer to check email and facebook.

The weekends are not very productive anyways because all the kids are vegging out in the living room or making a mess and just expecting me to clean it up. Not worth even trying to clean until after they are all in bed. They are like shoveling in the middle of a blizzard.

I don't even know if anyone is reading this but at least I feel better getting my feelings out. Going to sit with the boys and see if they want to cuddle with the momma.

The Boys

One of my favorite pictures of them. It is hard to get them all to sit in one place. I hope to get to the store so I can buy matching shirts for a professional picture sometime soon.

Thinks it is Time

I really wish I could close the book on relationships with people who don't want to have a relationship with me. Life is way to short to focus on people who really could care less on what is going on in your life. So that is going to be my goal for this year. I am going to let it go and focus on what is important to me.

Danielle mentioned that she may be going back to work in the very near future. I miss teaching very much. I actually feel a sense of envy to see the kids classrooms and all the construction paper cutouts decorating the classroom walls. I wish I could think of a way to go back myself without paying thru the nose for childcare for Evan and Jacob.

Pretty soon will be my birthday and I wonder if Howard will remember it. I think I may not give any hints and see if he remembers on his own. I don't have expectations that he will so i won't be disappointed when he forgets.

Ok done whining about my life for the night. What will the day bring tomorrow?

Memories of a Trip to New Hampshire

I was thinking in the shower today of how things used to be prior to marriage and children. Howard and I used to go away on a regular basis and really just enjoyed being with each other. The ironic part is the most memorable trip that we both still talk about is at a bed and breakfast that neither one of us can remember the town it was in or the name of the place.

The story goes somewhat like this. I remember Howie saying Sheri go pack a bag, we are going away to New Hampshire. We didn't have any plans on where we were going, but we'd figure it out along the way. As we headed north it started to snow. By time we crossed the border into NH the snow was piling up on the side of the road. We stopped at one of those tourist shops and got a list of b-and-b's. We had to settle on a place that was in the middle of nowhere because everywhere else was filled. We even had to go out of the way to find this place. I remember it was this big white farmhouse with a truck and plow in the driveway. It had the most coziest bed with a feather bed and down comforter. We were the only guests and we got to pick a room that had a fireplace.

Thankfully there was a restaurant within walking distance that we could go to for dinner. Good thing too because by then there was almost a foot of snow. The food was fabulous and that is the part that Howie probably liked the most. I just remember thinking I was so in love with the person sitting across from me and he felt the same way about me.

We walked back to the room and just held each other and talked about our future. We woke up to the savory smells of a veggie omelet, coffee, bacon and cranberry bread. We checked out and continued north to The Ellis River House and later the Wentworth hotel. Which by the way is another beautiful hotel in North Conway. But whenever we reminisce about that trip we think of the first bed and breakfast and smile.

In a way it is good that we can't remember what it was called. I don't think we could ever recapture the magic we felt that day without ruining the memory we both have. So forever it will remain the romantic trip that if we didn't know better we'd think it was a dream.

No Clean Spoons

I don't know why I always put off doing something that literally takes less than 10 minutes to do. The reason probably stems from being the ultimate procrastinater. The dishes and laundry are constant chores than never seems to be done without a pile waiting to done after the last load of the day is finished. Another thing that drives my husband crazy is that I will leave folded laundry in baskets without just taking the few minutes to put it away.

The noise and mess level in the house has reached a high. I can hear the oldest three running around upstairs. Jacob the four year old is banging on the door. Apparently Matthew has locked him out of his bedroom. Honestly i can't blame him, i wish i could lock myself in my bedroom for a little while.

On a positive note I have what is sure to be a yummy banana bread in the oven. Bedtime can't come fast enough today. At least once Mo,Larry,Curly and Shemp go to bed the house will stay straightened until morning. And then the fun begins all over again.

until tomorrow.....